Two entries actually 3 counting the picture, within a space of a few hours. Wow.

Today's entry will be dedicated to Vic because i know blogging this will help me get over him. Shaun has a little box of me. Which he put away when we broke up. And i have a private folder of "love letters" of which is in somewhere in cyberspace of him that i've not revisited in a long time. Its something like a time capsule, cemetary thingy where you keep your memories away but not forget. Just to hideaway and get tide over the tough times.

Like now. Because he means more to me that i'd ever be able to say. More to me than i realised. More than anyone else at this point. And i know i have to let go. Because i want to and because i'm sick of being sick. And sick of being a liability and having to feel the hurt in my heart and cry so hard i can't sleep or eat that my hands start to tremble and shake.

When i first knew him, i was super quiet and he thought i was super stuck up because i cramp up when i meet someone new for the first time. I always sit watch and assess a persons personality first. I can never make the first move. My bestfriends will know it. And i'm always not a talker to people i don't know. if you're not my type its worse coz i won't even talk to you.

And its weird coz we spent 15 minutes sitting next to each other not saying anything. Because he was like an average joe. Not strikingly attractive not ugly but just plain. He wore the uglist pair of jeans. With pockets that stuck together with velcro. And because they were old they looked like flapping chicken wings. Boy was i glad the day he threw them out.

At that time i was going through a bout of bad quarrels with kai back then.
He was such a sotong at work. Very kanciong spider as they'd say. And he'd ask me how to do stuff every now and then. Not that it fueled my ego but my manager was the one who told me to keep and eye on him.And i made sure he was out of trouble.


I remember him telling me about his weekend running the Stan chart marathon. I was like "Siao ah. off day nothing to do. go run marathon." And i really thought that he was abit of the overzealous character. The Ben types. Huge ass ego. The last thing i needed in my life.

But it really was his last day of work where i saw him in a different light. Never before. And as he walked off. He blew me a kiss. And it was then where i wanted to see him again.
One night where we were supposed to meet. The whole lot of us. One by one everyone started to back out last minute. On the day i wasn't even supposed to work. My whole database crashed on me. And i stayed up will 2am in the morning doing data entry in the office. We met up at 3 for supper at Swensens.

And i had the most animated conversation with him. After which we went for a movie to keep myself awake because after the movie i had to report back to the office to finish up more work. Somewhere in between to kill time we strolled along the youth park. And he lent me his shoulders to rest. And he kissed me for the very first time. The kiss he told me he's regretted and should have never have happened.

I think the day he touched my heart was on our very first date. I touched his hand and asked him why he had peeeenk fingers -- little spots of pink here and there like a pink cow. Haa, he told me he got that while trying to boil red eggs for his mom because it was her birthday that day.

The rest you could say was history. And if you'd think we didn't endure hardship together. I don't know wad you'd call my sister's suicide attempt, my latest asthema attack or my family falling apart because he held my hand firmly while i was a trainwreck. Even though i'd endure greater shit than this. That was pretty much shit.



And for all the reasons i loved him so much. They all disgust me now. Because i'm not even a memory not even a figment of his imagination. i'm a deleted file. and i'm something he regrets. and it hurts me to the pits of my stomach.