Too far to run back and no light ahead

Rangga gave me good advice, 2 weeks too late.

I've finally found my calling, 2 years too late.
Actually many years lah. I should have followed my heart after high school. But again bad decision making : taking the advice of all people – my mom.

I really worry about my history of bad decisions.
My mother chastisizing me again.

My mom. The nightmare never ends. The sole reason why I’m fucked up.

Sometimes I wonder of all the things that wouldn’t have happen if I had followed my heart. No Shaun, No Kai most importantly, No Victor and how different I would have been. Still bratty I expect.

At this point - I am truly lost.

I’m hoping a session at Mambo will cure me.
Drinking not the dancing. I wouldn’t be caught dead dancing to retro.
Retro irritates me. Ah Beng’s irritate me. Synchronized dancing irritates me.

I’m irritable today. 2 days leave and I have to work 2 days. WTF!!!!!!!

Need retail therapy.
*Itching to spend money*

Downing a jack at coke at 12 noon. I deserve it. Stop looking at me like I’m an alcoholic!

Morbid things

Life in Indo is pretty cool. They show dead bodies of people on the news. There was this dude who hung himself because of unrequitted love. He was from high school - Modern day Romeo I would call it.

Soapy - says:
why do they call it an accident when they know somebody deliberately threw himself onto an oncoming train
Soapy - says:
that's not called accident anymore wad
.... says:
bcos the train dude didn't know he was gonna jump.
Soapy - says:
nope its suicide
.... says:
they can't call it a suicide attempt. becos he died.
.... says:
so its not an attempt.
Soapy - says:
its a successful suicide (he died)

Inspired by all this dying around and Babel, this one's called The Jumper

It was Mike’s first day at work at the condominium.

He remembered watching her take the lift upstairs. She looked like anyone who lived there complete with a grocery bag from 7-11. He remembered greeting her. She looked at him with a half smile, with the saddest eyes he had ever seen.

Drugs and alcohol had given her Dutch courage.

“A toast to the men I’ve loved before and the scoundrels of the earth. This one is for you.”

Her last words.

Minutes later she had flung herself off the building. Like an amusement ride there was adrenaline rush … then blank.

Do not drink and blog?

Writing is best enjoyable (to both reader and writer) in a state of intoxication, emo-ness or plain lunacy me thinks. Today and every other day probably satisfies 2/3, some days in different combinations :)

Clubbing in a foreign land is scary. Unless you have a bunch of good friends around. I strongly advise against that. Currently I've only able to check Indonesia and Cambodia off the list. Cambo was fun. Liquor was bad-ass. And the company was a riot.

Now Indo is different.
No trance clubs or anything like that. It began with a Foxy Lady. A strange contraption. I swear I was sweating my pants just hearing what it was. Beer mixed with something, tequila and sambuca flamed and poured down a slide like contraption while you sucked the contents through a straw.

Prior to that I had the honour of going to Jiffest watching somewhat a weird uncensored yet sensored version of Babel. I kind of got it yet not get the movie. Anyway yay to freebies. Nachos, salty popcorn (I would have preferred sweet but its free just eat lah), pizza bread and a drink. Man did they try to stuff us.

I'm not going to review Babel. 2 highlights - Brad Pitt, even though he looked a tad too old. No nekidd scenes of him. The other one was the very very very very very cute Japanese boys featured in the movie. At the end of the movie I told Mandy who's in the feature film industry. If you're ever in Japan, please please please take me with you. Because the best looking boys are always on screen. They're never that hot off-screen. :P

Saw quite a number of local stars - the priviledge club or something atas that they call themselves. I mean, smart people never call themselves smart. So how do you actually qualify for something like that. I saw Nicholas Saputra from a distance. Man that guy has one fine ass. Ok enough. Its been sometime since I got any. Oh behave now ....

After Jiffest we re-grouped at Menteng for some supper where the hungry ones ate and I just stared at them eating. Half wanting to eat yet turned off by the greasy food. Also, scared of the effects of Foxy Lady and greasy food - Pukefest, so un-glam, so no thank you. Wad I did crave for was for a bit of bubur ayam (chicken porridge) which I managed to convince myself that I could do without. Good on me!

Post Foxy Lady was ok. There was the Raggae room at BB's which almost knocked me out. The room smelling like weed was really overpowering. I thought I was going to get fumigated on the spot dying with the rest of the cockroaches, ants, flies and mosquitoes. *Small breaths," I told myself. And it worked, I had saved myself from puking my guts out once again.

And so I danced on the spot, wishing a certain person was there where I could absorb his presence, smells and trace the outline of his neck with my nose while he held me. That would have been perfect. Soon after, I caved in and called him. After the live raggae set, we went up to the old rock room where they played ... you've guessed it : Old rock. I know its old because I couldn't recognise ANY of the songs and Rey was almost singing to it. BTW, Rey has the most ancient of music tastes. Needed another drink so I had a tequila sunrise.

I'm still alive and kicking, breathing and blogging.

Evolution

This blog was first created to faciliate information sharing among the fabulous 4 - Cheanea, Sha, Ivy and Jude. Weilin didn't come into the picture until after sometime but we've been tight after all these years. Having multiple bestfriends means I have to repeat myself everytime. (I know S once told me how can you have 5 best friends? Best means 1) I know, but I love them all the same. It also comes with the negative effects of having to repeat myself 5X to update them on my life. They are the people that I can not talk to for years but when we do we talk as if nothing has ever passed us by.

Jude and Cheanea are in different parts of Aussieland, Sha and Ivy are just busy with their lives and WL is persuing his grad studies. Unlike my old OD diary, this blog is more of life reportings more than little scribbles and stories of what I used to do. I shut down the OD blog simply because someone had caused much controversy flaming me online where as everyone knows there's no such thing as privacy. Some more its over the most trivial thing - along the lines of leave my boyfriend alone.

What are we 6 now? I don't friend you! I will tell the whole wide world not to be friends with you. You're older than me. And I don't even know you. I hope you've wisened up.

Then again OD has represented one of my most painful times in my life. I'm not afraid to put it all behind me.

Somethings better left unpublished.

Ever since I arrived in Indonesia, I've been writing to a special someone. I think it keeps me sane amongst all the pressures of work. And every single time, I get a reply. Sometimes I start with something. Sometimes he starts with something. At the end of the letter, I always learn something and have something to smile about.

Breakups are hard to do. I believe in every relationship there will come a point where quarrels are never ending. But every relationship has that. Quarrels are a part of communication even. I think the worst part is not wanting to quarrel or communicate. Not wanting to keep at it anymore. And we have to come to acceptance that it’s just not working out.

I love this quote from the Mexican. "When two people love each other, truly love each other, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?"

Answer: "Never"

Many Questions:

If you asked me if it'd be awkward I tell you that you're being silly. Because I'll be there for you as you've been there for me.

If you asked me if you were still my darling, I'd tell you you'd always be - My darling friend.

If you asked me if he treats me well. I'll tell you he does his best.
From making sure I have enough cookies to that I have enough rest.

If you asked me what I expect from you I'll tell you that I want you to continue your big plans and be on your way. Render a friendly hug and wish me well.

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The Fallen

I was reading Tomorrow.sg the place where I get my current fix of current affairs in Sinkapore. Yet another person has committed suicide by jumping in front of a MRT. It seems like the most hip thing to do. Want to die? Jump in front of the MRT.

The newspapers I think would eventually run a story on that guy. Maybe not telling us all how his life is so hard and that death is the only option. I'm not here to criticize anyone but I just want to know what about life that is so unbearable that he has decided to end it while there are so many others fighting to live.

Excuses or perhaps a good reason to die? I really can’t answer that.

Like had he just found out that his wife was cheating on him? Did he lose his job? Not enough money, neck deep in debts? Did he have a family? Was he crazy?

A friend of mine was relating to me the past random acts of violence where the streets would be stained with the blood of young men and women.

“They’d sharpen their metal rulers, get stabbed. They’d sharpen their belt buckles. Or if you were in a bus and you were outnumbered by the rival school kids, they’d just fling you out of a moving bus. Many kids died. The streets were dangerous then.”

I was horrified. I mean every one of these fallen kids had parents. You are your mother’s son as I am my mother’s daughter. And these kids just take the hope and dreams away. Just as that un-named person has decided that he had nothing to hope and dream for.

Requesting the song of the day

If I could chose the song I want to be serenaded with ....
It'd be this:




What are you waiting for? *hint*

Loss and finding

Dear All,

We are all gathered here. To mourn the loss of my SONY Cybershot T3, 5MP Digital Camera that is barely 1 year old. I was PICKPOCKETED right under my nose by some fucking awesome of a pickpocket while in a crowded place.

How he/she has done it is unknownst to me because I didn't even notice it was missing. It was in the FRONT right pocket of my jeans. Straps visably hidden and all. WTF.

All I can say is FUCK YOU. Thank you very much.

I am greatful though, that I had the brains to pass the wallet to someone, that we weren't robbed at knife point, and that my camera's LCD was scratched.

No pictures for you all for sometime.

At least I have an excuse to buy a new camera. Decisions, decisions. Hmmmmmmm.

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The awesome weekend is coming to an end. He leaves in 8 hours. I think I'm more shaken about his departure and the end of the weekend more than the camera.

I've made some choices. I'm not too sure about them whether its for the best. There is no right or wrong choice. One way 1 person gets hurt, the other way there will be 2 casualties. "If I don't hold out, hold my hand every step of the way will ya?" I feel safer.