letter to a friend

Dear S,

There'd be so many things that i'd want to tell you.
Perhaps i just didn't have the chance. And its the ones you leave behind that pay the price.

I feel angry. I feel angry because you know i'm not easy to get along with. And i have so few friends. And if one day i were to get married. I would have wanted you to fill one of those seats.
I asked you to be abit optimistic, because no matter what your life was so much better than mine.

Nobody told me that they were celebrating your birthday just last month.

I've always told you that with money that it'd attract the wrong company. Where did they go when u got into trouble. I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for your parents who love u so much. And somehow i know if you could help it, you would have held on.

I feel angry that they had your car number on the news. I feel angry because some random fucker will go buy 4D to it.

After today i will no longer see your msn nick light up. Or you saying some random dumb thing that you'd do.

RIP

Grumpy

Today quarrelled with Boyfriend again.

I can't help but feeling that my life with him is one big wait. Wait for him to wake up, wait for him to brush his teeth. Wait for him to go back to sleep again. wait for him to wake up again. wait for him to call his pal. wait for him to wake up again wait for him to go downstairs. i waited from 8am till 1pm!!!! For the first time. I ached to be the one who always had to be woken up.

The more the big M looms closer the more i feel that its not it. I used to see him as my world. I used to close my eyes and know and just map my whole life out with him. And now all i feel is that this is the same guy who dumped me. The same guy with the same eyes who told me he stopped loving me and i believed him.

We had the quarrel where the other party says something very hurtful and then you walk away in anger, with your pride and heart shattered, hot tears streaming down your face. And yet as you walk away you always, always wished he'd come after you.

It's happened not once. But twice.

Its ironic how i can say this so freely but love is never a bed of roses. Sometimes is good to put the bad stuff. And i'm being morbid today. I just can't see myself being a good parent, a good wife, a good daughter-in-law. Maybe monogamy is truely a thing of the past. I dunno. I'm not in the fucking around stage.

I truely believe my moving away is a blessing. Although its for a year. Maybe we'll break it up and the distance will just ease everything. Maybe for the first time he'll know what its like being me. Maybe i'll miss him. Maybe not.














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AdAsia July 2006 Pubnight- At least i looked pretty.
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The last thing you'd expect

i think the big guy up there has answered my prayers to crash dieting and slapped me with a triple whammy salami in a form of a 38 degree fever, phlegm and runny nose.

The whole ordeal has left me bed-ridden for a good 2 days. Leaving the room, climbing up and down 2 storeys up and down for what seems to be food. Surely stuff that doesn't smell or have any taste can't be called food. Perhaps hospital food but not food, food.

Dear all, i have an announcement to make. I like to see the colour of my snot when i blow it out. Right now its still green. So i'm still sick. Bleh.