Blog surfing

If you have a cat on your blog i will post a note. :)

Sometimes i wonder how all these cats get so fat.
Overeating? Or is it the fault of the cat owners. I don't think i could ever put Boy on a diet.
Skinny cats are not cute. That's a standard set by the cat himself - Garfield.
I still think they make awesome companions tho.

Saw political blogs, blogs about gardening, sex blogs. I thought it's interesting how people are so passionate about something to write about it. And continue writing about it.

Hitting the beach people~!
Have a good day

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More blog surfing;
According to this dude by the nick of Steelheart from OD

"i found out why my heart hurts.According to a scientific report i found,when a person is undergoing emotional upheaval,like heartbreak,the heart is attacked by 2 different types of adrenline,and 1 type of peptide,that is generated by the body itself.These hormones are toxic to the heart,and will damage and poision it.In short,i am experiencing physical heartpains because of my distress over my relationship with Dawn [in my case Vic] and its triggered by emotional depression,causing those hormones to attack my heart.There is no cure for this, except for maybe seratonin,which is purely my own hypothesis."

Ahhhh so there's scientific reasoning behind it!

The anticipated question

"Okay lar, here for e most anticipated question! Drum roll pls.

*drum roll*

.

.

.


.

.

.


.


Will you be my girlfriend?
*Lites points to sophie w#$%*"

Sender: *****

Sent
20:54:02
27-09-2005

"Yes i will."

Recipient:
*****

Sent:
21:10:14
27-09-2005

Oy cheanea ... i'm not fat hahaha. and stop oogling at my messy cupboard~! 

Smile~! New hairstyle  

A lttle indulgence

Jude's coming home wednesday.

Bring on the wine please i hate drinking alone.

I love youuuuuuuuuuu Jude.

Hey despite my protests that the straight hair would make me look fat. Luckily i look ok. So you are lucky your instincts proved u right else i'll murder you or i'll just hurt you reallll bad.

Still fat la. But thinner than last time.

25.09.05:
I had the honour of dining and catching a movie with Darkart. I know its really weird when you call people by their screen names its like IRC all over again but that's how i'd like to remember him as not **** (insert name in here) or my senior back in TP but darkart the blogger. Because his writing inspires me. And i would be more than thrilled to find out what makes him tick. His values and belief system and what sort of person he was off screen. Off the computer screen that is :)

Links of my fav stories by darkart:
http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A116764&entry=20005&mode=
http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=A116764&entry=20014&mode=date

Funny thing is we've never exchanged more than a few grunts in school. I knew who he was, he knew who i was. And i guess after my breakup with Shaun, i kinda alienated everyone. Like how i am now. But i'm doing ok bouncing back.

Ivy reckons i'm cured.

Me: Cured from what?

Dinner for today 

I talked to myself aloud. I read and re-read what i had to say. Playing a sort of conversation in my head. Knowing wad i'd say i'll not regret.

I wanted to tell the truth about myself. Yet not feel guilty about what i had to say.

I love 2 people very much. One i can't afford to lose, because i've lost him before the other that seems lost.

And the love i have for the both of them are worlds apart.
Love IS a big word yes. I'm not misusing it coz i know.
:)

Cheers - don't mind the mess please 

long awaited post

i wanted to post the pictures of the moon cakes i made with Shirlee, Vic's sister. I'm sure she roped me in coz i was some form of free labour. But seriously if i wanted to bake a batch of cookies i would have asked my sis to come and help me or something not without giving some kinda bribe insentive with the help of course!

See! i can make mooncakes too. I brought a box of 4 to my grandma. They taste ok by the way and do not contain copious amounts of lard. Just vegetable shortening that makes it really oily. Man i don't think i can take much of these stuff. Too sweet and weird tasting. And yes i do prefer the old lotus paste ones over the funky green tea/espresso/durian/ice cream filled ones.

:)

This is wad the insides look like? yummy?
green tea kua chee filled snow skinned mooncakes.

compare the poor luo han to its "normal" compatriot

luohan. This one fell on its face so its got a flat face.  

the perfect mooncake  

Soapy was feeling sad last night  

As darkart would say: Mindtrip

Was trying to take the perfect picture so i could send it to him. But no matter how i did it. Cannot make it.

As i told Shawn. Shawn Lim not Shaun Tay. Loneliness kinda hits me the worst on my off day. And I'll think of him. Then i'll cry myself to sleep. While talking to Shawn remeniscing about the good old days in secondary school i sent him a message at 3am GMT+8. Singapore time.

"I can't sleep on my off days."
And a stroke of madness perhaps. He returned the call just to say goodnight. i guess there were times when i couldn't sleep, crying myself to bed and feeling sorry for myself there was a certain calmness know he was safe and well. And after the call of perhaps one minute i'll doze off straight to bed.

Anyway, i swear my cheeks ached after the msn conversation with Shawn. You know there was probably one memory of Shawn that i can never forget. The day Ms Sim tried to kiss him in class. The first time i saw him running. Ok lets put it nicely. Shawn was a chubby kid in class. And it was a riot. That day all of us laughed so hard we started to tear.
And he was like "Siao eh. Then let her kiss meh?"

I don't think she'd actually kiss you. So scared for what?

"She's always said i had kissable lips"

Oh my god! I think i actually remember her saying that~! You know it'd probably be a riot if you told your girlfriend about it. Again i doubt she'd actually kiss you. She'd be giving away her virgin kiss. And it'd be sexual harrassment.

So after laughing my hearts content and the call. for the first time in a long time. i had a good night's rest

His and Hers

The purple toothbrush comforted the green toothbrush.
"don't worry he'll be back sometime"

My dad bought me an electrict toothbrush sure my teeth felt like super clean but somehow i'm still using the purple one. I get tempted to use the green one sometimes but i just wanted to leave somethings as they were.

Two entries actually 3 counting the picture, within a space of a few hours. Wow.

Today's entry will be dedicated to Vic because i know blogging this will help me get over him. Shaun has a little box of me. Which he put away when we broke up. And i have a private folder of "love letters" of which is in somewhere in cyberspace of him that i've not revisited in a long time. Its something like a time capsule, cemetary thingy where you keep your memories away but not forget. Just to hideaway and get tide over the tough times.

Like now. Because he means more to me that i'd ever be able to say. More to me than i realised. More than anyone else at this point. And i know i have to let go. Because i want to and because i'm sick of being sick. And sick of being a liability and having to feel the hurt in my heart and cry so hard i can't sleep or eat that my hands start to tremble and shake.

When i first knew him, i was super quiet and he thought i was super stuck up because i cramp up when i meet someone new for the first time. I always sit watch and assess a persons personality first. I can never make the first move. My bestfriends will know it. And i'm always not a talker to people i don't know. if you're not my type its worse coz i won't even talk to you.

And its weird coz we spent 15 minutes sitting next to each other not saying anything. Because he was like an average joe. Not strikingly attractive not ugly but just plain. He wore the uglist pair of jeans. With pockets that stuck together with velcro. And because they were old they looked like flapping chicken wings. Boy was i glad the day he threw them out.

At that time i was going through a bout of bad quarrels with kai back then.
He was such a sotong at work. Very kanciong spider as they'd say. And he'd ask me how to do stuff every now and then. Not that it fueled my ego but my manager was the one who told me to keep and eye on him.And i made sure he was out of trouble.


I remember him telling me about his weekend running the Stan chart marathon. I was like "Siao ah. off day nothing to do. go run marathon." And i really thought that he was abit of the overzealous character. The Ben types. Huge ass ego. The last thing i needed in my life.

But it really was his last day of work where i saw him in a different light. Never before. And as he walked off. He blew me a kiss. And it was then where i wanted to see him again.
One night where we were supposed to meet. The whole lot of us. One by one everyone started to back out last minute. On the day i wasn't even supposed to work. My whole database crashed on me. And i stayed up will 2am in the morning doing data entry in the office. We met up at 3 for supper at Swensens.

And i had the most animated conversation with him. After which we went for a movie to keep myself awake because after the movie i had to report back to the office to finish up more work. Somewhere in between to kill time we strolled along the youth park. And he lent me his shoulders to rest. And he kissed me for the very first time. The kiss he told me he's regretted and should have never have happened.

I think the day he touched my heart was on our very first date. I touched his hand and asked him why he had peeeenk fingers -- little spots of pink here and there like a pink cow. Haa, he told me he got that while trying to boil red eggs for his mom because it was her birthday that day.

The rest you could say was history. And if you'd think we didn't endure hardship together. I don't know wad you'd call my sister's suicide attempt, my latest asthema attack or my family falling apart because he held my hand firmly while i was a trainwreck. Even though i'd endure greater shit than this. That was pretty much shit.



And for all the reasons i loved him so much. They all disgust me now. Because i'm not even a memory not even a figment of his imagination. i'm a deleted file. and i'm something he regrets. and it hurts me to the pits of my stomach.

Watching the Mexican,

tired. lack of slp.

Was feeling really down resorted to texting Brennan. Brennan is about the smartest guy i know in INS

With the exception of Hedren but Bren's like a lit freak who has never failed to cheer me up with warm fuzzy stories.

It didn't occur to me i was poisoning myself. It wasn't intentional really. I don't know why i feel this way either.
The last thing i wanted to be ... was a liability.

This cheered me up tho
"Well for myself i don't think it was by force that i had to accept that the love i thought would be forever was gone completely. However by making myself accept albeit very very slowly that perhaps it was to move on. It hurt to let go then, i think it would hurt even more not to"

And i realised i wasn't alone in this world. And the world seemed to make sense again.

Then there was this

dark dark one

NEW 22.09.05 1:35PM : *~OMG my eyebags!

Q&A

Who:

-makes you smile: My friends and family
-pays your cellphone bills: me myself and i
-do you think loves you: a selected few
-do you want to punch: victor. just because.
-is the first on your phonebook : Adena *gasp*


WHAT ..

-don't you like about in this life:life itself because it is unfair
-do you want to do right now : anything except go to work
- is it that makes you smile : freshly made cotton candy, pretty shiny things, falling in love, anything that bring be back to my childhood
-bothers you : how fucked up the world really is and there's nothing i can do about it
-colour signifies your personality :red and black
-do you like in your house:my dog Snickers, my funky mirrors, my bedsheets and of course my faithful lappy.


WHEN ..
-is your birthday : 3rd Febby
-did you last see your school: TP? bloody ages ago.
-will you get serious with your life : Everyday. i'm serious about life.


WHERE ..
-do you live: Singapore more specifically AMK
-is your school(s) located: Tamp, Serangoon Gdns
-do you hang-out the most: at work. i have no life
-were you born :KK hospital
-do you plan to have your end of year holidays? not year end but my next holiday destination will definitely be AUS.
-you are now:at home.


HOW ..
-would you define love: Beautiful. Its a buzz in your head and your fingers tremble in excitement and your heart feels like its exploding.
-do u want your burial to be :Grand. With all the people i love around me
-often do you listen to music: anytime when i'm feeling bored.

jinxed

After all that's happened ... really think so

Sorry Cheanea, u won't be bringing your kids to my wedding coz i don't think i'll be getting married.

Try Ivy and Sha ...

Thanks Vic for being honest with me. I hope that she treats you well.

To all the people that care. I am happy. I'm happy for him.

To the person who's rendered hugs voluntarily, dried my tears and been my listening ear, thank you. You will always be special to me. i will need sometime to heal. You've been a gem really. If u ever need a Sri Lankan bride i'll help u find one. i promise.

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Life goes on. I maybe broken for sometime but i'll be back stronger than ever.

Who else do u know who's put up with so much shit in their life right?

For now i hate Germany.